Yesterday, I got a pitch telling me to congratulate to someone I don’t know because some publication I don’t care about named him as a top social media influencer along with a bunch of other name drops.
I can’t even begin to fathom who thought this was a good idea. Because I’m a nice person though, I won’t name names. BUT YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
Instead, please enjoy my humorous recreation of this abomination:
Happy Holidays Jay!
Even though I have no clue who you are, I wanted to send you some irrelevant news. We are super excited to say our Corporate Tool was named by a publication you don’t care about as leading social media influencer. He was awarded along with a bunch of other people, including Name Drop #1, Name Drop #2, and Name Drop #3. We’re so proud of him!
Even though you don’t know him, tell him congratulations. A half-hearted tweet would be so thoughtful!
We’ll use the rest of the email to tell you additional meaningless, self-serving news you don’t care about. We want you to use the social capital you’ve carefully built up to serve our purposes with no compensation for you.
Best,Your Favorite Clueless Agency
I don’t know you. I don’t know your “influence.” And I certainly don’t give shit about your meaningless award.
Congratulations on continuing to give smart, thoughtful, and hard working social media and public relations professionals a bad name with your half-assed, name-dropping and self-serving pitch.
Happy Holidays indeed, chumps.