Social media is supposed to be a fun way to connect and share with your friends. But you know what’s also fun? Using social media ruthlessly and at the cost of others to attain your personal goals such as greed, gluttony, and the envy of others.
So what kinds of goals should you set to reach the pinnacle of these vices? I’ve narrowed it down to three easy categories:
- Sell Crap - This is so easy. Find a cheap product to sell (I recommend knock-off Viagra or imitation Coach bags). Then pester everyone you know to sell it. Tell them they get more discounts when they share it with more friends. Eventually, you’ll start building a social pyramid that will have you raking in cash while people you’ve never heard of are selling products that have no value. The goal and execution are easy. You just have to hope it all workout in the end.
- Endlessly Annoy People - Sure, you can tell people anything you want using e-mail, websites, TV, mail, billboards, and countless other forms of advertising. But why not penetrate their groups of friends and use them against themselves? There is nothing as pleasurable as the feeling when you successfully use friends to keep saying the same thing and promoting the same crap for your benefit.
- Build a Cult - Some people call this loyalty. I say who needs loyalty when you can have blind devotion. If you can get your followers to jump off a cliff based on a tweet, it’s a cult. Building this cult is the most important thing you can do. These are the people who will troll your enemies, feed you, and pay your mortgage. Do whatever it takes to build this cult. The cult is great and worthy or your undivided attention.
Have your goal now? I’ve got mine. I’m offering you a spot in my new social media religion. “Liking” on Facebook is more than clicking a button, it is a way of reaching Nirvana. Join me. Do everything I say, and together we can reach social enlightenment.
Or we can make a few bucks selling fake pills to idiots. It’s win-win either way.