How to Use _____ For Marketing

Buy Crap Here - The Anti-Social MediaHave you heard of _____? It’s a hot new social media tool that allows people to connect with their friends like never before. Since launching in January, _____ has already seen a 1000% increase in user sign ups, and is on track to be one of the hot new social networks of the year.

So you’re probably thinking, “Gosh Jay, I’m connected to so many of my friends on so many different networks already. Why do I need one more?” That’s a great question, and the answer is simple:

To market to these users.

The users of _____ expect to make connections with their friends and other users without any interference from advertisements,  so if you get your business on there, you’ll be the first person to sell them useless crap. You’ll be featured in case studies, have white papers written about you,  and be known for your thought leadership and creativity. It’s the type of internet celebrity that means nothing and won’t boost your paycheck past the annual 3% raise, but you’ll be an innovator.

So, how do you turn _____ into a marketing powerhouse? It’s as simple as five steps.

  1. Set up a profile for your business - Ignore the warning on _____ that says “Marketers will be shot on sight.” It’s the internet! They can’t shoot you for real! Besides, you can just claim to be a user evangelist, preaching the gospel of consumerism to the unwashed masses of the internet.
  2. Tell other people to use _____ - Because _____ is new, there aren’t as many users on it compared to a proven and tested network like Facebook or Twitter. Start telling people you’ll offer your best deals through _____, even if it is a blatant lie to earn connections on the network. Users don’t care about duplicative networks and useless new features, they just want deals!
  3. Sell Crap Through Your Profile - Now this is the fun part where you get to sell people things they don’t need, like apps, gizmos and junk food. Just go crazy. Do anything for a sale. “Delight” users with competent customer service. Soon users will be talking about nothing but you and you alone.
  4. Doctor the Results - Look, no one wants to read another boring white paper with above average results to slowly and sustainably build your business. We can read those all the time. Tell everyone how _____ changed your perception on customer service. Doctor your sales numbers so they sounds awesome. Make it read like you accomplished something that could never be done before or since.

Once you’ve accomplished that, you can now be assured you will be remembered for the next 6 weeks among the pantheon of internet marketing gods. We shall bow down to you who had the great insight to corrupt a place that was awesome to connect with friends and family, into a platform to sell us more things we don’t need.

Of course, these are just the basics to turn _____ into your marketing home base. Do you have any tips on how to use ____ for marketing? I want to see us all become the next generation of panel moderators at conferences.

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16 Responses to “How to Use _____ For Marketing”

  1. MKR March 7, 2011 at 10:40 am #

    It’s spookily easy to get people to believe you’re some kind of social media guru. I had some fake conversations on twitter with a few people using all the right keywords and got a few social media follow bots an hour. I was on track to have 25k “followers” by next year if I kept it up.

    I could have written an e-book!

    • Jay March 7, 2011 at 11:52 pm #

      I should write an ebook on _____.

  2. Joshua S Sweeney March 7, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    Coincidentally, there is a social networking platform called ____ (pronounced “platform”) that’s taking South Africa by storm (mostly in Stellenbosch and the surrounding principalities). If you haven’t hopped on that gravy train yet, I highly recommend it. DM me for information on how to monetize it today!

    • Jay March 7, 2011 at 11:41 pm #

      Quick! Everyone jump on to monetize before the gravy runs out!

  3. Morgan March 7, 2011 at 1:08 pm #

    YAY! Thanks for FINALLY showing me the winning formula!

    • Jay March 7, 2011 at 11:35 pm #

      It’s as easy as _____ _____ _____.

  4. Dino Dogan March 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

    …ahhh, so whats this new marketing tool you speak of? lol

    • Jay March 7, 2011 at 11:33 pm #

      _____. That’s Five Underscores.

  5. Steven Pofcher March 7, 2011 at 3:25 pm #

    FINALLY, some common sense.

    • Jay March 7, 2011 at 11:31 pm #

      I try my best to reach that.

  6. Sean March 7, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    Well, I’ll be a ________ _________!!!

    • Jay March 7, 2011 at 11:29 pm #

      Me too!

  7. Greg March 7, 2011 at 3:36 pm #

    I’ve always thought the power of _____ is overrated, but then again I primarily market my business through a combination of cut-out coupons and Navajo smoke signals, so there ya go.

    • Jay March 7, 2011 at 11:28 pm #

      Smoke signals have the best ROI.

  8. Mike March 7, 2011 at 5:15 pm #

    And ____ won’t be one of those typical echo chambers for early adopters either. You’ll be able to grow your downline in minutes on ____! And the “fail snail” is so cute when it’s down! You can enroll in our effective ____ marketing academy course today for $999, but hurry spots are filling fast. You’ll get a weekly e-mail, 4 webinars and an 11 minute consultation phone call from me! ____ will allow you to grow your business, earn the income you deserve and never have to interact with another human being again, sign up today. ____ is where all the cool kids hang out.

    Great post Jay.

    • Jay March 7, 2011 at 11:25 pm #

      Damn. Clearly, you learned how to monetize on _____ monetization faster than me.