What the Hell Did You Want From the iPhone 4s?

Don't Hate the iPhone 4s - The Anti-Social MediaLike every day there is an Apple event, yesterday was a terrible day on every social network.

Apple unveiled the iPhone 4S, and everyone in the world was disappointed because it was a cool cell phone and not a magical technological brick that could save the world from being depressed about a broken economy and terrible labor market.

All the nerds of the world gave into the hype and rumors that have been swirling around for months in their wet dreams. It has a bigger screen! It has 4G! It cooks and cleans and prints money! Of course, all of these were based on pure speculation and no real facts, because Apple would kill anyone who with facts.

Instead of being patient, normal people who don’t spend their lives basing their hopes and dreams on disposable gadgets, the people of the internet went insane for a device that they had no true idea about. People even went so far as to make a prototype based entirely on speculation, and that turned out completely wrong.

And then Apple’s event went down and  the internet went crazy because the device didn’t match all the hype and crap that has been pumped into them for months.

Let’s go through your weak disappointments and why they suck:

  • No new design - Why does a cell phone need a new design? Does it do what it needs to do? Does the new design add any features? The design should serve the function, not be designed for design’s sake.
  • Same size screen - Seriously, why do you need a bigger screen on your phone? What do you plan to do with that thing? Watch TV with 5 of your friends? That’s why you have a TV. This is supposed to fit in your pocket, not your man-purse.
  • No 4G - 4G sucks right now. It eats your battery, and it barely covers any useful part of the US. This shit can wait until it gets useful.
Don’t we have better things to do, like worry about how Facebook is ruining our sense of privacy and is selling us out to advertisers? No? Ok, well, let’s call out the people who create this type of stupid, useless disappointment.

Tech journalists - Stop fueling this madness. Post real news and reviews, not baseless rumors and speculation that has no basis in reality.

Nerds - stop living your life for disposable phones that already make our lives more complicated than we ever needed them to be. Pay off your bills, save up for something useful, and don’t bitch and whine when you don’t get you way with a gadget you have absolutely no control over.

Now that I got that out of me, what mystical feature did you want from the next version of the iPhone? Free money? 3D? Apps that make more apps? Let me know what you think in the comments.

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30 Responses to “What the Hell Did You Want From the iPhone 4s?”

  1. Andy October 5, 2011 at 9:31 am #

    I wanted WAP…

    • Jay October 5, 2011 at 9:50 am #

      I have no idea what WAP is. Is it something I need? I want it now! I obviously need it!

  2. Sam the Deaf October 5, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    I like you.

    • Jay October 5, 2011 at 11:23 am #

      And I like you too.

  3. Brian McDonald October 5, 2011 at 11:00 am #

    Great points. I’m amazed how everyone is so into the design but ignores the major performance enhancements and new applications like Suri that are amazing. We are too short-term in our thinking and need to take a broader view.

    • Jay October 5, 2011 at 11:35 am #

      I suppose we’re all too obsessed with SHINY. NEW. THINGS. rather than fixing the economy and making our lives better.

  4. Amy Fowler October 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    I’m not bothered about phones myself. Maybe I should be, working in online marketing and all, but I’ve got a desktop at work and a laptop at home for all that.

    Why do I need constant internet access, email access, countless games…?

    My phone rings and it texts. And it’s really small. That’s enough for me right now.

    • Jay October 5, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

      You need constant internet access because that’s what all the advertisers tell you that you need.

  5. Morgan October 5, 2011 at 3:24 pm #

    That’s what they get for believing in RUMORS.

    • Jay October 5, 2011 at 3:28 pm #

      They need some “I want to believe T-shirts.”

  6. Deb Ng October 5, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    Call me silly but here’s what I want in a phone:

    1. It makes calls.
    2. It makes calls without dropping them.
    3. It makes calls without dropping them that I can hear.

    I’m easy…

    • Jay October 5, 2011 at 3:36 pm #

      No text messages! You are easy! (Don’t worry, I won’t tell Mr. Ng).

      • Deb Ng October 5, 2011 at 3:59 pm #

        I keep forgetting to look at my texts. I’m not good at checking my messages either.

        Mr. Ng knows. That’s why we practice good communication by emailing each other. From the other room.

        • Jay October 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

          Oh my!

        • Brian October 6, 2011 at 8:03 am #

          I’m glad I’m not the only one who emails his spouse from the next room. No shame in our games, yo.

  7. Camilo Olea October 5, 2011 at 3:29 pm #

    Apple fanbois/fangirls in Mexico suffer even more. They have to wait for months after the original releases in the US to get their hands on pricier versions of Apple shiny new things.

    I’ve been doing just fine for almost 2 years now with my iPhone 3GS. I didn’t even jailbreak it or whatever.

    Then again, I have a son. That probably provides me with something really important to focus on, instead of expensive phones.

    • Jay October 5, 2011 at 3:37 pm #

      You need to focus on expensive phones for your son. ;)

      • Camilo Olea October 5, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

        You, sir, should be Steve Jobs successor.

        • Jay October 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

          Too bad Tim Cook already got the job. I probably swear too much to be the next CEO of Apple.

  8. markusanderl October 5, 2011 at 4:02 pm #

    Hi. Very good article which is hardly surpassed in irony.
    I’m looking forward to your next article ….

    • Jay October 5, 2011 at 4:15 pm #


  9. Rosie October 5, 2011 at 4:50 pm #

    G-What??? I’m still texting and talkin’ away on a “blueberry” I was given as a hand-me-down 5 years ago. Guess I’d rather retire early and travel the world than spend my hard-earned cash on a senseless toy gadget that requires a data plan. Anywhoooo… sorry the nerds were let down. Wahh.

    • Jay October 6, 2011 at 2:21 am #

      I’m gonna break out my Motorola Razr when my current iPhone dies.

    • Jay October 6, 2011 at 2:22 am #

      Leave it to Hitler to put us all in place.

  10. Leonard October 6, 2011 at 1:38 am #

    Hey, what are your thoughts on my t-shirt design? I feel as though it is antisocial media for sure, but do you think threadless will take it? I am very intrigued about your thoughts Jay. http://www.threadless.com/submission/374907/iSad

    • Jay October 6, 2011 at 2:21 am #

      I have no idea, but I say no dice because Apple’s logo is trademarked.

      • Leonard October 6, 2011 at 2:32 am #

        Yea, that was my thought. I didn’t think carving eyes and flipping it sideways would be enough. Stranger things have happened though. It’s all good; I am not too worried about it. Keep doing what you do my friend.

  11. Puerto Rican Nightmare October 6, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

    I want the next iPhone to be able to have Siri cast spells. You can purchase spells like you purchase apps.

    The most expensive app spell is one in which you can resurrect Steve Jobs. After you pay the million dollars to bring Jobs back to life, he just comes back into the world and kills himself again, waiting for the next apple schmuck to pay to bring him back again.

    That’s what I want. That’s what Jobs wants. And most importantly that’s what Siri wants.

    • Jay October 6, 2011 at 11:07 pm #

      Siri loves you. Siri is the only friend you need, besides iJobs.

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