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Took a Dump on Facebook - The Anti-Social Media

“Frictionless” Facebook Apps Will Ruin Us All

Took a Dump on Facebook - The Anti-Social MediaOf all the things that Facebook announced at f8, the one I took most interest in was the new ability of apps to share very last thing you do.

I can’t wait for this feature to go mainstream, because soon enough we will all embarrass the hell out of ourselves.

Sure, right now you can only share how bad your taste in music is on Spotify, but that will change. Everything you read? Shared. Everything you watch? Shared. Everything you own? Shared.

Just wait, soon you’ll know when every single one of your friends has “Taken a dump.” And the world will be much better because we are all sharing everything.

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Your Life on The Facebook Timeline - The Anti-Social Media

Dr. Zuckerberg or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Timeline

Your Life on The Facebook Timeline - The Anti-Social MediaBecause I’m a Facebook developer (I know, the irony), I’ve had access to the timeline for a few days now, or basically before everyone read posts like this and enabled it for themselves.

And I hate to admit it, but I really enjoy it. I’ve already pimped mine out with my cat.

The basis of the social network is two things. the user profile, and messages between those users. That’s something simple to make, and we’ve seen it evolve into an endless stream of news feeds and updates across Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, Google+, MySpace, and any other social network.

But people don’t live their lives as a never ending stream of messages in a news feed. We don’t think of our lives as each individual observation and photo. That’s why the timeline works.

Some of it is weird for sure. Previously wall posts from friends show up all over the timeline. This could be cool if they were posts like, “You’re getting married!?!” but they’re not. They’re much more trivial. In my case, they include a whole series from a guy who was desperately trying to get into my pants. While I know some people will have posts that are awesome, my experience has mostly been a rehashing of every crazy message from college, including what may be my very first wall post which says “SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS.”

We were classy in 2004 when we thought none of this would be public and we’d probably never use Facebook after college.

But some of it is touching in a funny and weird sort of way. Another messages from an ex in 2005 tells me “You’re such a Facebook whore.”

Damn he knew me well.

If there are downsides to the timeline, it’s not with the timeline itself, but rather how we use Facebook and the timeline. The awkward wall posts and statuses that you thought were dead and buried come back to haunt you, prominently posted and arranged. They’re easy enough to hide, but it can be pretty awkward the first time on your timeline. Also, personal branding will be taken to an even crazier extreme. Now you can brand your birth, your wedding, when you overcame cancer.  But I’ll get into that at a later time.

For now, maybe, just maybe, one part of social networking just got a bit better with a profile that isn’t just lists of interests, but rather reflects who a person is and how the events of their life shaped who they are. And you can finally add that you got a pet. So no more crazy pet profiles (though Miss Chibi is keeping hers).

What do you think of the timeline? Is it genius? Evil genius? Or just another crappy web profile? And are you keeping your pet’s profile? Leave a comment and let me know what you think of all these changes.

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Social Network Fetures Battle - The Anti-Social Media

Social Network Features Battle

Before Google+, Facebook was content to muck up users’ lives about once a year with news feed changes or a half-assed profile redesign.

Now, twice a week we have news announcements that go like like this:

Social Network Fetures Battle - The Anti-Social Media

Smart lists. Mobile hangouts. Huddles. News Tickers. Do any of these features really matter to users?

This all sounds like a war for who can push out more crap first, without knowing how users actually user their social network. I’m doubtful there’s a gem that will come out of all these turds.

Screw it. I’m joining not Google+. At least they have their shit together.

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Subscribe to me - The Anti-Social Media

Facebook’s Subscribe Button is Whack

Subscribe to me - The Anti-Social MediaRemember when Facebook was about connecting you with your friends and people in the world around you?

I know that idea seems novel and pure, so some of you many not believe it. But its true. I swear there was a time when Facebook didn’t just shove half-thought out features onto the site in an attempt to connect you to more meaningless crap on the internet.

The subscribe button makes no sense when connecting me with the people in my life. Now, when I go to a friend’s profile, it shows me that I’m friends with someone, and that I’m subscribed to them.

Since when did friendship equate to subscription? Are my friends Newsweek, Time, and Entertainment Weekly?

Now, if I click on the subscribe button, I get a shit ton of options that make sense logically, but not realisitcally. “Only important updates?” Who decides what’s important? Facebook? Does it decide based on comments? Because then every “important” updates will be “Why does Facebook keep changing?” will be the most important updates.


I get it that I don’t want to read all of my Aunt’s weird updates about how much she love’s her cat, but I’m a human being. I got skills. I can filter that stuff out and skim through it.

And while we’re at it, let’s not forget that Facebook is now suggesting people to subscribe to. Look, I really don’t have a shit about the latest lame update from Facebook’s COO, your consumer marketing manager who’s kind of hot, or Tom from MySpace. I have no relationship with these people. I barely give half a shit about all the half-assed updates I get from my so called “friends” that I’ve subscribed to. Why should I care when your leadership team posts about how much they love coffee and bacon?

The only reason I need more crap in my news feed is so you can display more ads in attempt to make more money off of the data I’ve given you. And I’m not falling for that. The subscribe button is a whack attempt to keep people on the Facebook even longer. It gives people a false sense of connection to people they don’t know, and confuses how we interact with the people we do know.

Let’s call it like it is: Facebook’s subscribe button is the latest piece of crap in Facebook’s war to take over the entire internet. It’s poorly implemented, poorly communicated, and holds little value for the average user.

But Facebook, focus on connecting people with their real friends. There’s more reward in making people feel good and together than giving them a false sense of connection to some vague internet personality.

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Follow Everyone - The Social Media

F*#k You Friday! Follow Friday

Follow Everyone - The Social MediaDoes anyone still care about Follow Friday?

When I joined Twitter is 2007, it was cool to be mentioned and featured. Now it’s crap lost in the stream.

So, if you’re going to do a Follow Friday, don’t post a list of seemingly random user names. No one cares about that now and no one cared about it before. Instead, give people a legitimate reason to follow that person. For example:

Follow @JayDolan because he is the best writer and cartoonist on the internet and always makes me laugh. #FF

That’s much more useful information to someone than:

Follow Friday! #FF @JayDolan @TheAntiMedia @TheOatmeal @alliebrosh LOLz

See the difference? Good. Let’s make Follow Friday somewhat useful for those 15 people who still care.

Do you still care about follow Friday? Does anyone? And why haven’t you given me a Follow Friday shout out?

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How Not to Film Videos - The Anti-Social Media

Video Blogging in Your Car is Dangerous, Asshole

How Not to Film Videos - The Anti-Social Media

We all know how much I hate video blogging.

But for the safety of everyone: Video bloggers,  stop filming video blogs in your car while you are driving.

How long will it be until we lose a blogger because they were distracted behind the wheel? We’ve lost somany people in accidents caused by people talking on their cell phone, let alone using it as a camera to film their latest “insight.”

Your idea can wait until you get to your destination and aren’t being a hazard to the safety of others. Whatever you want to publish isn’t that revolutionary that it has to be filmed and published this very moment while you’re crusing at 60 miles per hour down the highway in rush hour traffic.

Besides, filming on the road is distracting to the audience. The camera shakes. There are all sorts of visuals outside of the window passing by that are more interesting than you. You can’t control lighting, and you look washed out and terrible.

I’m not saying that your video blog needs to be so over produced it’s slippery with a nice gloss, but you should care enough to make yourself look presentable. And you don’t look presentable after a long day in the office while you’re sitting in traffic in a car with crappy air conditioning.

Take your idea for your video blog, make a note of the idea, and drive safely home.  Fix yourself up in front of a mirror, and then get to work. You’ll look better, you won’t be stressed by trying to drive, and you won’t be endangering every person on your commute.

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I'm Better Than You - The Anti-Social Media

September 11

I'm Better Than You - The Anti-Social MediaYesterday, I saw hundreds of messages from family members, friends, and online acquaintances, taking a moment of thier day to send thier rememberances, mourning, and greif to their friends on social networks. If I were a poet and not a blogger, I might have more moving words.

Then I see passive aggressive criticism from a small group of people. “I’m not going to post this status, instead, I will post that status because this status is self-serving.”

Seriously? Way to ruin the mood asshole.

We all remember and grieve in different ways. There’s no need to judge.

People took the time to stop and write a status update about September 11. They took the time out of their normal gossip, cat videos, and complaints about shitty customer service at McDonald’s to stop and remember. Don’t use your idea of appropriate online expression of grief, mourning, and rememberance as an opportunity to divide that moment.

As someone who is an expert at using the internet to divide and judge, this is the inappropraite moment to post that crap. There’s enough division, hate and judgement in the world. We have better things to judge online, like why we all hate Facebook and keep using it, or why some people wake up every morning and tweet “Good Morning!”

You want to see better status updates, write the update you want other people to write, and do it in a way that moves them to emulate you. Stop being what’s wrong with the internet, and start making the internet a better place.

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The dirty secrets of personal branding - The Anti-Social Media

Why Your Personal Brand Needs a .XXX Domain

The dirty secrets of personal branding - The Anti-Social Media

Starting today if you’re a registered trademark, you can buy a .xxx domain. And if your personal brand isn’t a registered trademark, it needs to be.

But that’s another issue.

Let’s face it. All the crap you’ve put on the internet is stored on a server somewhere, waiting for someone to dig it up and spin it against you, utterly destroying your career and professional life. Maybe those angry emails you sent as a teenager won’t be coming back to you anytime soon, but now you have a chance to claim the adult and sexy side of your personal brand.

Who doesn’t like a brand that’s sexy?

Having a .xxx domain says a lot of things about you. It shows you’re a risk taker. It shows you are ahead of the curve. It even shows you may have an exhibitionist streak. Also, given that IT departments across the world will begin blocking domains, recruiters and hiring managers will have less access as they performed their half-assed Google background check.

You may not show your junk, but you can certainly hide your junk.

Start building your personal brand on, along with all other 87 social properties you have. There’s no reason the internet shouldn’t know every single detail about you.

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